I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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