A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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