I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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