Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
