I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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