This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
