Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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