It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
