i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
