We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
