Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
