does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
40s are totally the cure
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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