I accidentally burped into my bong.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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