home. puking in laundry basket.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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