96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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