Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
