They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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