There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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