dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
