I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
