Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
