someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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