Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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