WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
