I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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