So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
