I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
