That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
