I think im going to throw up on grandma
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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