Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
