The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
this hospital has no fireball
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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