He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
