you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
