I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
