Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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