I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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