the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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