fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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