You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
