8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
