Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
