Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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