and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
