yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
