im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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