I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
