I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Quick, to the slutcave!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
