Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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