Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
