I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
