i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
